lead vocalist Garner Schafert GARNER SCHAFERT gave the following interview via phone from an undisclosed location at 3 o'clock in the morning. At least I think it was Garner. Time will tell.

It all started in a little town in Jersey. My days were filled with the smells of petrochemicals and big fat guys named Paulie slapping me on the back and laughing in that deep, gravely voice that you only get from smoking three packs a day. Dad worked at a factory that made rubber platypuses (or is that platapi?). He ran the beak mold. Sometimes, for a laugh, he'd hang a beak out of his fly and tell everyone that that's where the wild life was! Mom was a commercial fisherman who thought she was Captain Blackbeard. She'd go to work with an eye patch on and wedge her foot into a funnel to look like a peg-leg. She'd wander around the house on weekends smelling of fish, and saying things like "Harrrr!", and "Blye me!". But she had a soft side to her too. She used to hang us kids by our ankles and hose us down with goose fat. Ahh, the days of childhood are gone, but the memories are a treasure to last forever. But it was time to let all that go and grow up.

We came to Maryland because we heard that it smelled better. But when we got here it really wasn't any better. The smells of livestock and fertilized corn fields filled the air in Harford County, and I wondered how anyone could stand such a stench. I longed for the familiar smells of home. Sometimes when I got really homesick, I'd pack a lunch and grab my towel and a big umbrella and head for the waste water plant and drench myself in a little slice of Heaven. Basking next to the grey water sure took me back a few years. Sometimes I'd even get a little misty as thoughts of my homeland danced in my head. It was tough letting go but eventually I adjusted to my new surroundings. I became a street performer in Fells Point, juggling as many as five wharf rats at a time while riding a unicycle. The rats were heavy, and as a result I threw out my shoulder, and my nuts hurt from riding the unicycle on the cobblestones so I looked for something different. One day on my way home from Fells Point, I grabbed a scrap of cardboard out of a dumpster to shield myself from the rain that had just begun. As I was waiting to cross the street, some idiot stopped and gave me some change. I thought, "Hey, there is opportunity here." So I just stayed on the corner and wandered around trying to look pathetic. After a few hours had past, I had a sizeable wad of money. Thus, the family business was born. Even today, you can see many "Johnny-come-latelys" capitalizing on my idea. I should have put a patent on that one!

Today, I have a staff of employees working intersections so I can pretty much take it easy. It's a modest living, but it affords me the time to hang out with the guys in MIRROR MIRROR. I don't really do much. I follow them to gigs, hoping to get a few free beers and meet some tender young hotties. I replaced my "I'm with stupid" t-shirt with one that says "I'm with the band" and suddenly doors started to open! So when you come out to a MIRROR MIRROR show and you see me wandering around, be sure to stop me and say "Hi".

Garner with Steve Morse
Garner with guitar god Steve Morse
Garner with Rod Morgenstein
Garner with drummer Rod Morgenstein
Garner working on vocal track
Garner working on a vocal
track in Los Angeles
Garner playing drums for BIG PHREDD AND THE SPEDS
Garner playing drums for
Big Phredd and the Speds